Sleepless in Seattle…sort of….

No matter who you are, no one can argue with the joy of sleeping in your own bed. Whether it’s a long day of work, a business trip, an overnight-er, or a two week vacation, I don’t know who does not take pleasure and sometimes joy or relief in sleeping in their own bed. It’s comfortable, inviting, and for me, my respite: The place where I can go and feel safe. And when you’ve slept in the same place for many years, the idea of changing that can be an odd thing to consider.

This might not seem like a big deal, but for me, it is….or it was. I never really thought about the notion of sleeping in the entire bed after Ed passed away. Not because I was keeping a spot for him, just because it never dawned on me that the entire bed was mine. I didn’t think about this until my friends were telling me about their purchasing a new, king sized bed. Ed and I realized early on that a queen sized bed would never be big enough for us, so about three months after we moved into our first home together, we bought a kind sized bed. We’d never slept in anything smaller except if we went on vacation and the place we stayed had a smaller bed, but regardless, we always had our respective sides. And in our king sized bed, we had plenty of room to sleep comfortably where touching was optional 🙂 We would joke on occasion that sometimes we felt so far away from each other, we had to wave from our respective sides. So when my friends were telling me the tales of moving to a king sized bed, all I could think was how have you done without for so long? As we talked more about the new king size bed, they each teased each other about one or the other still going to the middle of the bed and taking up all of the space. They further went on to talk about how when one or the other went out of town, they immediately slept in the middle of the bed and it was a luxurious treat. I paused with this notion and just thought to myself, I don’t sleep in the middle of the bed. Why don’t I sleep in the middle of the bed? In fact, I hadn’t even thought about it. The idea never entered my mind. I did however, recall reading Kristine Carlson’s book, Heartbroken Open, where she describes her sadness with the empty side of the bed where her husband Richard, who also had been taken from her much too soon in life, had slept. She goes on to write about her experience the first time she slept on her husband’s side of the bed and how comforting it was to her. When I read this all I could think to myself was, “why would I sleep on Ed’s side of the bed? It’s further from the bathroom”. Ms. Practical I am…

But this notion of sleeping in the middle of the bed just stuck in my head. Thinking about it. For months. I had plenty of room on my own side of the bed. I didn’t think I’d find comfort sleeping on Ed’s side of the bed. This did not seem like a change I needed to make, particularly one that would help catapult me into my new life. Instead I brushed it off and got back to other things. More important changes in life in my efforts to move forward.

I went to Chicago the first two weeks of October; two different trips for different occasions – one pleasure one business. And I paid attention to how I slept in the bed at the hotels I stayed at over the course of these two weeks – there were three different hotels in just one weekend. Did I sleep on one side? Did I sleep in the middle? A natural over analyzer I am. Was I over analyzing the entirety of the situation? Yes, but why? Why is the idea of sleeping in the middle of the bed such a hard concept to wrap my head around, let alone do? Of all of the changes I have considered making, why does this one, small action, seem so difficult?

During my travels, I noticed, that I did in fact, sleep in the middle of the bed. So I told myself, I am going to do this when I get home. I am going to conquer this small, seemingly meaningless action and see how it feels to sleep in the middle of the bed. And so I did it. One night, I just took the plunge. I even got into bed on Ed’s side. And it felt amazing!! I cannot explain it, but there was something so refreshing about it. It was now my space, and maybe there was something comforting about just being in it. This space that was the middle point of where Ed and I shared our nights. This wall that separated our respites on any given evening, while allowing us to share it at the same time. I was in the middle. The bed is no longer divided into individual spaces, rather, I now have what was ours as mine. Every night. As much of or as little of how much I want. I can go back to my space at any time, however, when one takes a step forward, going back is safe but never the same. I don’t think I can go back to my side of the bed. It’s all my side now. This is a small step forward in my new life, and inconsequential to most; huge for me.

They say small steps are the way to go the distance, so I’ll take this one proudly 🙂

Strength, courage, wisdom….faith, love and hope,

Tracey

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